Friday Funny(s)

Happy Friday!

Sorry I've been slack and haven't posted in a while... but I'm back with some funnies  :)

3 weeks ago... I was helping in the 3rd grade classroom one afternoon and the kiddos were writing down their homework and getting ready to go home.  As I'm walking around, making sure they are writing the correct homework assignments, I notice one little girl has a note on her desk.  Taking full advantage of my "teacher rights," I pick up this note to read it.  Yes, I was mainly being nosy.  And relishing in the fact that I am no longer the student who has her notes intercepted, but the teacher who does the intercepting.  And of course making sure it wasn't anything inappropriate that needed to be relayed to the homeroom teacher.  So this is what the note says, letter for letter: 

"Sorrye. this is the end of our frendshippe."  

Turns out, this kid was finally getting a taste of the "mean girl" medicine she's been handing out for the last 2 years.  She is famous for telling students who they can and cannot be friends with, and bossing around the other girls.  Such drama for 8 year olds!  I chastised the author of the note, of course, but sent her a mental high-five for standing up to little bully girl!

2 weeks ago... I was sick with a cold at the end of last week and seriously losing my voice on Friday.  My adorable kindergarteners come to Spanish class, and their teacher warns me that they've had a rough morning.  I tell them at the beginning of class that they have to be "super extra quiet" so I don't have to yell and lose more of my voice.  But telling a 5 year old to be "super extra quiet" is like telling a dog to make you a grilled cheese.  So they are starting to get chatty and loud.  And I warn them and threaten to call home and I take away "pimientos" (peppers they earn for good behavior; more peppers = better chance at getting a prize).  Attempting a light-hearted approach, I tell them they're acting "silly like monkeys."  Precious little boy then tells me, "We're not silly monkeys.  We're MEAN gorillas!  Raaaaawwwwrrrrr!!"  I stifle my laugh and try to continue the lesson.  Then a few minutes later, same precious boy turns to his still talking classmates and with the most serious and exasperated expression says, 

"Guys!  You have to be quiet!  If she has to yell at us she's going to lose the rest of her voice and she won't be able to talk any more!"

This week... One of my fourth-graders has started calling my "Grandma."  I have no idea what possessed him to give me this nickname, especially since I am the youngest teacher in the school.  However, for the last 2 days, he gives me a "Hi, Grandma!" every time he sees me.  Every. Single. Time.  I'm working on at least getting him to say it in Spanish...

Friday Funny

Teaching produces a lot of hilarious moments.  Therefore, every week I'll try to share with y'all a "Friday Funny."  Enjoy the preciousness of my kiddos :)

Soooo... Things are getting a little chaotic as I try to wrap up my kindergarten Spanish lesson.  The kids are excited because it's a half day (Thank you, Irene!) and I'm trying to think about the most efficient way to get 16 five-year olds out to their busses in the rain.  All of the sudden, one little boy (who happens to be one of my favorite kids to ever exist, because he's so freaking cute and hilarious) shoots his hand in the air and says he left the water running in the bathroom.  So, I tell him to walk next door and turn off the water.  A few minutes later, he returns and I ask, "Well, did you turn off the water?"  And to this, my precious, precocious, kindergarten student responds...

"The water wasn't on.  It was just the rain."

Thats' right, he heard the rain and thought he left the water running.  I die.

I'd probably lose my job if I posted a real photo, but this kid from Microsoft Images is pretty cute too.

Pining for positivity

piningpresent participle of pine (Verb)1. Suffer a mental and physical decline, esp. because of a broken heart.
2. Miss and long for the return of.
Merriam-Webster

 Well, I don't have a broken heart, but lately I have been "pining."  The part about "suffering a mental decline" definitely applies to me.  I've just kind of been in a funk for the last week or two.  There are several contributing factors to my funk, but the details aren't really important.  Anyone who knows me will agree that I do not handle change very well.  Sure, I like to change outfits, genres of music, earrings and nail polish.  But when it comes to big changes, changes in my routine or lifestyle, I have a tendency to... freak the freak out.

 My freak-outs have a history of being quite dramatic and I really wanted to avoid the hemorrhage-inducing hysterical crying.  But bottling my emotions did not work.  It turns out I don't hide my feelings very well.  I have been focusing on any negativity I can find; nit-picking over pointless details, criticizing family and friends, and just being all-around pessimistic.  It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized how much I was affecting myself and everyone around me.  I don't buy the old adage, "misery loves company." When you're miserable, you are unapproachable, unattractive and un-fun.  Who would want to make company with somebody like that? Not me.  I "miss and long for the return of" positive thinking.

 Therefore, I am now making a conscious effort to heed the advice of the Law of Attraction.  I am going to send positivity out into the universe, in hopes that it will return to me.  I don't want to be irritable and unapproachable.  I don't want to seem unattractive.  And I most definitely do not want to be un-fun.  I have a lot of great things in my life, and it's time to appreciate my blessings.

 So, here goes... a list of EIGHT of the most positive things in my life right now!

1) I am HEALTHY.  No terminal illnesses, no physical disabilities and no substance addictions.

2) I recently acquired some FABULOUS new sunglasses :)

** Sunglasses from Target **

3) I have a great J-O-B!  Not only is it a lot of fun to be an elementary school Spanish teacher, but I feel so blessed to have a stable job in a time when they are so scarce. 

4) CHEAP rent... my big sister has been generous enough let me live in the awesome house she just bought and charge me a very reasonable rent.

5) Super CUTE bedding, to go in my new room at my new house!

** The Company Store - Peyton quilt **

6) FANTASTIC friends... I have three very close friends that I can always count on for support, companionship and LOADS of laughter.  

7) I also have a six-year BFF... It sounds a little creepy, but she is my favorite kid in the world.  This chick knows how to push my buttons and melt my heart, all within about 3 minutes.  :)

** Did you just die a little? **

8) AMAZING family!  We may not always get along (heck, I wouldn't even say that we usually get along), but I am definitely the quintessential "family girl."  My family will always be the most important part of my life.

Alright, Universe.  I'm ready.  Send me the love.

Yard Sales and Lucille...

Disclaimer: I realize that my posts are a rather long. I am trying to improve this, but I'm just a wordy person.  Bear with me.  This one is worth it.

"Oh. Em. Gee." That is the text message I sent to my friends at 8:38 this morning. That's right, 8:38 AM. What reason could I possibly have for being awake at this ungodly hour on one of the last Saturdays of summer?  The answer is, "Yard Sales and Lucille." Lucille is my dear grandmother, grandma, G-mama, or Crazy Lucy (for those of us who know her best). Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma. She moved to Charleston to watch my siblings and me grow up, and she has done a lot to help over the years. But she is, in short, crazy. Lucy is from Zwolle, Louisiana (population 1,783 as of 2000) and she is 83 years old. Those two facts should give you a pretty good insight into what she's all about, but let me provide a few more details... When she was about 13 years old, Lucille dropped out of school to help raise her brothers and sisters. She had quite a few siblings, but a couple died at young ages, and I don't know that I've ever been given an exact count. I'd be willing to bet that at this point, my grandmother can't remember how many she had either. Later in her teenage years, she got married and followed a Navy sailor to Virginia. Apparently, it didn't last long because she eventually married my grandfather, an Army man, and they adopted my mom. Other than that, I'm not too sure on the details of Lucille's life before the arrival of my mom. However, stories since the day of Mama Dukes's homecoming are rather enjoyable. Here are a few gems for you:

• My grandparents began the adoption process looking for a little boy. But the agent called one day and said there was a brand-new baby girl they could have. Lucy said, "Umm... alright," and Mama Dukes was delivered that day. When Granddaddy got home from work, Grandma asked him how he'd feel about a girl. Luckily, he was also okay with a female child. Lucille then sent her husband into the bedroom, where she had left baby girl peacefully resting in a dresser drawer.
• Baby girl was a bit pallid, which Lucy didn't like, so she laid the naked babe in the window sill to give her a little tan.
• Grandma also prefers to be naked herself. Unfortunately for my now singed retinas, I have walked into her apartment to find her sitting in the recliner completely buck-naked.
• Once, when I was a 14 year old freshman in high school, she picked me up from school. But seeing as I was 5 months from taking the written part of the driving test (that would enable me to start driving with an experienced adult), Lucille decided it was time for me to practice. Never in my life had I been behind the steering wheel of a car, other than sitting in my dad's lap and "driving" around the block. This minor detail didn't matter, it was time to get some experience. So she forced me in the driver's seat and off I drove. I stopped after about 10 minutes, refusing to drive on the busy highway. But when we were near my house, she insisted I finish the drive. When my mom asked what she would have done if I'd been stopped by the police and had no license to produce, Lucille's response was, "I wrote a note to show the police officer explaining that I gave her permission to drive my car." Well, as long as you have a note.
• She once took a fuzzy purple bathrobe, which she picked out of someone's trash pile on the side of the road, to keep her warm at the circus. Enough said.

Now that you have a better idea of who Lucy is, I'll get back to this morning's shenanigans. Grandma has a lot of crap. (Which I understand is not uncommon for old people.) My mom has been after her for years to get rid of the junk she doesn't use, but (again, like the rest of the gray-haired population) she is thinks she will one day need it. Even that spoonful of peas she wrapped in aluminum foil and shoved in the back of the freezer. And heaven-forbid if something of hers was to be discarded, because a nuclear war would certainly ensue, rendering her helpless and hungry without her peas. Thankfully, Grandma recently starting cleaning out her apartment. But she couldn't just accept that a hairdryer from 1992, cassette tapes and a fake cactus plant were all completely useless. No. These are valuable goods that somebody will surely want.

So what does Crazy Lucy do?  She plans a yard sale that my mother and I will help her operate.  At 8 o'clock this morning, we dragged three shopping carts worth of "goods" across the street to set up shop on two card tables and two sheets on the ground.  Not only were we selling crap, but her apartment complex was having a huge yard sale across the street.  Why couldn't Grandma donate her junk to them?  Because it would be insane to let somebody else profit from her treasures.  Therefore, we sat out in the blistering heat for about 2 hours with maybe 20 customers total.  Several of which she ran off with her stubborn overpricing. (Clearly the computer microphone, which she probably doesn't even know it is because her only knowledge of computers is that they exist, was worth 50 cents.  How dare the guy try to bargain her down to a mere quarter!)  Let's just say, it took 2 pints of sweat and 3 hours of my life that I'll never get back.

Mama Dukes and I complained the whole time, but I guess it was nice to help my grandma with something she really wanted to do.  Also, she gave me the money we earned to help with my move in a few weeks.  I would have much preferred to sleep in, but I got $21 and a Designing Women DVD.  And I suppose the satisfaction of knowing that I increased my lead in the "Lucille's favorite grandchild" race. (Although, to be honest, it's never really been much of a competition.)

Yes, that is a fanny pack around G-mama's waste.

PS - If you're in the market for any crap that is positively useless, Lucy still has a trunk full of items she won't part with unless appropriately compensated.